Big week for comics here in Scoopland. Diddlyland? Land of the TAB? Damn, having two online aliases stinks when trying to come up with terrible nicknames for your blog.
Anyway, it’s a bigger than usual week for comics, as I picked up some of my usual reads, PLUS A LITTLE BIT MORE! I guess they save the good stuff for the end of the month. Eleven issues in all, though one of them, Amazing Spider-Man, will be reviewed at a later date. As I said previously, I want to dedicate a single column to the Spider-Island storyline.
Obligatory “Beware of Spoilers” tag although if you’re one of my regular readers (lol) then you should know by now. I might get rid of this tag next week anyway.
Star Wars: Crimson Empire III #1
Kicking things off with a Dark Horse comic, one of the few I will actually review. Despite being a huge Star Wars fan, I typically despise Star Wars comics. Yes, there are some very good ones out there, but about 90% of them are trash. It’s better to wait and pick them up as Trade Paperbacks but I figured “what the hell” and decided to snag this one. It sucks. It starts off pretty cool, with a Rebel Alliance/New Republic ship being destroyed by a planetary gun on a deserted rock. At least it’s SUPPOSED to be deserted. Then we move on to Kenix Kil, who kills a bunch of assassins who are after him for some unexplained reason. Oh, it’s Kir Kanos, the last Royal Guard from the first two Crimson Empires. I’ve never read them but apparently the Empire has a bounty on his head, and oh lord, here’s Boba Fett to collect it. So we go from some confusing fight scenes to a SENATE scene where Jacen, Jaina and Anakin Solo sneak into the chamber and make goofy faces at Leia while she’s presiding over the hearing. I wish I was making this up. Boring stuff as she’s only concerned with her family’s safety, so let’s see Luke train some Jedi! Oh wait, more talking, so back to Fett, who takes Kanos to the deserted rock planet, which is actually home of the Imperial Remnant, which is now using ARC-170s and V-Wings from the Clone Wars era, apparently. This one was a mess, but it made much more sense than the Wonder Woman series.
Let’s move on to DC’s New 52, which inspired this column in the first place.
Superman #2
I enjoyed this one much, much more than Issue 1, which featured a billion words, a weird fireball and a “hidden” message that print media IS NOT DEAD~!! Anyway, we start off with two interwoven segments, one with Clark Kent talking to Lois Lane and the other with Superman talking to her dad, General Lane. General Lane basically tells Supes that Metropolis, and his daughter, aren’t safe as long as he’s around. So Superman is flying around when suddenly he is attacked by a creature that he can’t see or hear. Yet everyone else can. It’s an alien that is immune to Krypton powers that kicks Superman’s ass! But because the fight is being filmed by TV cameras, Superman is eventually able to see the creature with the help of the giant TV screens around the city. There’s an unintentionally hilarious moment here where Supes uses his x-ray vision to watch TVs and computers in people’s homes, and notes that “lots of people watch the news on their computer.” Kinda contradicts the message from Issue 1 that print media (and broadcast media I guess) isn’t dead. So the monster vanishes yet speaks the same weird alien message as the fireball, and both mention Krypton. What’s their connection? TUNE IN NEXT MONTH TO FIND OUT! Much, much better than Issue 1, mainly due to the focus on action and it not being as wordy. Although I almost had an aneurism when the second to last page was an ad for Batman Noel. I thought they copped out on an ending for that damn preview, but luckily that wasn’t the case.
The Flash #2
This one I didn’t like as much as the first issue. It was sort of all over the place, and it didn’t help that I forgot what happened in the last issue. One of Barry Allen’s CIA buddies was murdered, and apparently cloned, and it’s up to Flash to connect the dots. But first, he has a scientist buddy train him in the art of “augmented cognition” which allows Flash’s brain to think at the same speed as he moves. This allows for him to see things before they happen, so he can prevent robberies and car crashes while conversing with chicks at the same time. I want to point out that I LOVE the artwork here, especially the collage of Flash seeing everything going on around him. So anyway, before Flash can connect the clues for his friend Manuel’s murder, an EMP is set off by the bad guy (I assume this is Manuel, as they mention cloning and fake CIA deaths) and we fade into... OH DEAR LORD BATMAN NOEL IS BACK NOOOOOOOOOOOO. But yeah, this one was pretty messy although I’m LOVING the artwork. The artist on this comic does a fantastic job.
Batman: The Dark Knight #2
A “meh” issue although we did get some answers from the last issue. We begin with Batman getting destroyed by the roided up version of Two-Face, who explains that he’s discovered a substance that rids him of all fear (hello, Scarecrow!) until he suddenly begins bleeding out of every orifice, and deflating, his roid rage seemingly over. Well, we don’t see him bleeding out of his anus, just his eyes, nose, and mouth. So I can’t assume every orifice is bleeding. But, should we assume Two-Face was bleeding out of his anus in the first place? That is a topic only this blog would jokingly bring up! And you’re welcome for that visual. Anyway, after talking to Gordon and Alfred, Batman goes hunting for a woman who is described as wearing white lingerie and looks like a rabbit. This leads to a cool montage of Batman’s allies (Nightwing, Robin, Batgirl, Batwoman) fighting roided up versions of villains such as the Ventriloquist and he Mad Hatter. Anyway, Batman is busy preventing Joker from hijacking a train when he encounters the girl: a chick in a skimpy white outfit wearing a rabbit ear headband. And she’s feeling up roided up Joker as we fade to, sigh, Batman Noel. I didn’t hate this issue, although it wasn’t great. It DID progress the story, however.
Teen Titans #2
Cool issue this month, as we get more of Red Robin (Tim Drake) trying to form a new incarnation of Teen Titans. Starts off with a funny joke about Tim getting friend zoned by Wonder Girl, err, Cassie (DON’T call her Wonder Girl!). Information about a weird creature called Skitter surfaces and Robin tracks down a girl from the news report. Turns out Skitter is her sister, who has run away after building a cocoon and turning into an insect-like creature. But Robin has to work fast, as the girl has already blabbed to N.O.W.H.E.R.E. which plans on capturing, corrupting, or killing the next generation of heroes. So Red Robin goes to a sewer where he fights with an annoying teleporting bounty hunter until Skitter appears and owns everyone. But Cassie makes the save, paying Robin back for saving her from a N.O.W.H.E.R.E. helicopter attack last issue. Despite Robin begging her to stay and fight, Cassie flees, leaving Robin to take care of Skitter. Meanwhile, Kid Flash escapes his cell in a N.O.W.H.E.R.E. laboratory and is drawn to a cell labeled “SOLSTACE” where he witnesses a girl appearing to be tortured by electrocution. Good issue this month, although Superboy, last month’s cliffhanger, was only mentioned briefly at the beginning. Oh, and NO BATMAN NOEL PREVIEW! YAAAAAY!
Aquaman #2
Alright, this one ticked me off. Well, not the comic itself. Keep reading. We begin where we left off last issue, with weird creatures attacking a fishing boat, demanding food. They eat the fishermen, at least I ASSUME they do since they all want food though we never see them eat anything. Then shit gets real when the monsters spot nearby land and assume more food is there. Is it wrong when I get sad when they show a little kid yelling “here come’s daddy’s boat!” knowing the kid is going to be monster poop shortly? So anyway, the next morning a sheriff shows up at Aquaman’s door begging him to help investigate missing people at the dock/town the monsters attacked. This leads to cops, Navy SEALs and Coast Guard troops laughing about Aquaman and his lack of powers, and wondering if his girlfriend Mera is a mermaid or not. It’s these little things that I love about this series, poking fun at itself. But then a weird cocoon is found underwater by divers and the monsters attack again. Aquaman and Mera fight them off but they’re eventually outnumbered; a monster then states that Aquaman is returning with them to “the Trench.” Great comic, but what angered me? This ended literally HALFWAY through the printed book for that stupid GODDAMN BATMAN NOEL PREVIEW. ARGH. Seriously, it felt like NOTHING HAPPENED in this comic because it flew by so fast, despite the storyline advancing. I’ve never been upset by Batman Noel before, using it as comedic material, but this is the first time I’ve felt like I was robbed of my $2.99. And the Aquaman story was actually good too!
And now let’s finish things off with two Marvel reboots...
The Incredible Hulk #1
Not really sure why I picked this one up. I think it was just because it’s a “#1” and also because the copy I snagged has a variant cover, with an all-white background and just the “Incredible Hulk” text, as seen above. Or not, since I couldn't find a picture of the variant. Which means that in ten years it will be worth $4.99 rather than $3.99. WHO’S RICH NOW, SUCKAS? As for the comic itself, it was weird. Hulk (a new Hulk, not Bruce Banner) kills a bunch of weird, giant creatures for some sort of underground tribe he lives with (since they view him as a hero instead of a monster), until a weird scarred chick named Amanda Von Doom (no relation to Dr. Doom, or so she claims) attacks the tribe with robots and claims that America needs Hulk’s help. Meanwhile, an evil, crazed Bruce Banner sends weird rhino/human hybrids into the jungle to collect animals, but none of them are the animal he truly wants (Hulk). Umm, yeah I don’t think I’ll be reviewing any more of these.
Wolverine and the X-Men #1
And now for possibly my most anticipated title of the week... a confusing mess. The main plot for this one involves Wolverine and Kitty Pryde, new Headmaster and Headmistress of the Jean Grey School for Gifted Youngsters, taking some members of the New York State Department of Education on a tour of the new academy. However, everything ends in disaster. For example, there have been random earthquakes spilling lava into some rooms, an inter-dimensional portal opening and bringing weird troll creatures to our dimension, and as typical with a school full of teens, fights. Of course, the Education Department members are unimpressed, especially after Wolverine comes face to face with a 12 year old named Kade Kilgore, who reveals that he was behind the recent events of the X-Men Schism, caused the world to fear mutants again and has also taken control of the new Hellfire Club. Oh, and he also causes an earthquake that collapses part of the new school, revealing that he intends on ending the X-Men once and for all. Not a bad comic, as it was necessary to set up storylines, but the artwork was what I mostly hated. Characters were drawn inconsistently and as a result everything was confusing and hard to follow. Big letdown for me, and we’ll see next week how Cyclops does in his version of X-Men comics.
OVERALL, a bad week for comics, to be honest. The only books I can recommend are Aquaman and Teen Titans. Check out Wolverine just for reference if you plan on getting into the series at any point. And I even hated Aquaman solely because it was cut short due to the ridiculous Batman Noel preview. That shit hits next week, so hopefully we never have to hear about it ever again.
COMING NEXT WEEK: Action Comics, Detective Comics and more!
COMING EVENTUALLY: The big review of the Spider Island storyline!
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