Greetings, Blog of Doom Members and Savio Vega fans!
My name is Representative Lamar S. Smith, House Judiciary Committee Chair Representative and Republican out of the great state of Texas. I understand that this column space is normally dedicated to a Hispanic movie party column written by Travis Banks (What kind of coward hides behind a username? Allow me to reveal your real name to the world for you.), but he is against my precious Stop Online Piracy Act, so I traveled back to my home state to deliver a bottom whipping personally.
Well, I did not deliver the whipping personally, as I am a very busy man. (After all, SOMEONE has to take those heavy dollar sign bags from Hollywood executives.) But rest assured Mr. Banks was dealt with by my personal assistants. Who you ask?
PERSONAL. ASSISTANTS.
See, the words were different, so you cannot claim that I am infringing on the copyright of the 1981 hit film Raiders of the Lost Ark. Too bad, so sad, opponents of S.O.P.A.
Nevertheless, while Mr. Banks is being disposed of, I will be taking over the column this week. I truly hope you all enjoy the Cinematic Sopapilla, presented by S.O.P.A. and P.I.P.A.!
- Lamar S. Smith (R-TX)
Last week Mr. Banks held a poll asking you which irrelevant comedy movie you wanted to see FOX make an animated sitcom about, and I answered that there should be no new television shows because you would all pirate them illegally over the Internet. You are very welcome.
-- Box Office News: Moviegoers honored Dr. Martin Luther King Junior's dream of seeing S.O.P.A. and P.I.P.A. passed by paying to watch movies legally in theaters and not pirating them illegally over the Internet.
-- Trailer Time has been canceled this week since all of the websites contain copyrighted trailers.
-- In Theaters (Not the Internet) This Week: Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close, Haywire, Red Tails, and Underworld: Awakening
-- Next Week's Notable DVD (Not Illegal Torrent) Releases: Real Steel (please do not really steal it), 50/50, and The Whistleblower
Savio Vega Fan Glenn (Again, why do you cowards hide behind usernames?) sends along the following links:
-- How Stanley Kubrick accidentally created the modern day box office. Did you notice how he did it without the assistance of the Internet?
-- CBS has greenlit a new television program, a modern day Sherlock Holmes. Hopefully nobody tries to view it illegally over the Internet.
-- The Expendables 2 will have a PG-13 rating thanks to Chuck Norris. Sylvester Stallone confirms. However, Mr. Norris is a fall guy; the movie will have a PG-13 rating so that you will not illegally download it.
-- George Lucas is retiring. Yes, it has everything to do with you illegally downloading the Star Wars Prequel Trilogy. Which I want to point out were all fine films. I cannot get enough of that Jar Jar Binks character.
-- Apparently this blog held a summer festival honoring Quentin Tarantino. Mr. Tarantino has revealed his list of the best and worst films of 2011, all of which I can assure you he saw legally in theaters.
-- Cracked brings you a list of movie scenes that happened in real life. Remind me to shut that Web site down for posting copyrighted photographs and videos.
-- Untitled Star Trek Sequel and Untitled Deadpool Movie have both secretly begun filming, presumably so that you will not be tempted to illegally download them.
-- The Hunger Games has not even been released, but they are already planning for a sequel. They can do this because they have no fear of losing money on the movie due to illegal downloads over the Internet. Thank you once again, S.O.P.A. and P.I.P.A. and Representative Smith!
-- More details about Skyfall 007 have been released. This movie comes to theaters, not computers, this fall.
-- If you like Twilight as much as I do, you will want to be at Target when the DVD is released. Not just to legally purchase it, but to get a preview of the next film in the series. And don't even think about trying to have sex with all of the underaged girls, perverts.
-- We will soon have a film based on the Goosebumps book series. I have fond memories of reading these books to children in the 1990s, a simpler time when you could not log on to the Internet and steal other people's intellectual property. I hope people remember those good times when they pay money to watch this film.
-- Kristen Wiig will not be starring in anymore Bridesmaids movies, because you all illegally downloaded the first one.
-- Here is a synopsis for the new Total Recall film, which I assume many people will pay to watch legally.
-- Will and Jaden Smith team up once again to star in a new M. Night Shyamalan film. I love Shyamalan's movies. They all have extremely clever twists and turns and swerves that I can never see coming. I should also note that I have seen every one of Shyamalan's movies either in theaters or purchased the home video.
-- This is why I hate the Internet: Spoilers are everywhere. As is intellectual property theft. What are we, China?
And with that, we come to the end of the first ever Cinematic Sopapilla! I understand there is typically a poll held at the end of every column, and I will oblige to your wishes.
How awesome are S.O.P.A. and P.I.P.A.?
Thank you once again for reading the Cinematic Sopapilla. I know that there are a very small number of people out there that oppose my bill, and I would just like to ask that you please not write your Congressmen about them. We are very busy counting the large amounts of bribes we receive each and every day, and we don't have time to delete all of the spam e-mails and throw the letters in the garbage receptacle. Thank you for your understanding, and I will see you next week!
Lamar S. Smith
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