The week of 11/27 was a small week for comics, as only one of my regular titles came out. Therefore I decided to merge this week with last week (comics released on 11/23, the week of Thanksgiving) since I spent all of my time reviewing Spider Island. And attending football games. And getting drunk.
Therefore, I have some catching up to do. LEGGO.
Batman: The Dark Knight #3
UGH. We start out with a roided up Joker beating up Batman. Two pages in and we get a reference to the honey badger that makes absolutely no sense. Turns out this roided Joker is really Clayface in disguise. Batman beats him and then this weird chick called the White Rabbit tries to sex Batman up until the Flash comes to his rescue. Then Batman randomly has an altercation with a cop about something and then we see Bruce Wayne wining and dining that hot Indian chick from a few issues ago. They hint at sex between the two but we only see Batman in the Batcave talking to Alfred about how the person behind the roided up villains is Poison Ivy. So Batman and the Flash head to Poison Ivy’s hideout where we see that a tree has crashed through it or something. And then we end early (and not a minute too soon) for a preview of something called The Ray. Umm, fuck this comic. It sucks and it’s reaching Wonder Woman levels of bad (my standard for awful comics). This was officially the first comic to be taken off of my pull list, and I won’t be missing it. Take a major pass on this one unless you need some expensive toilet paper. Best part was a running gag involving Flash about hurting his thumb.
Superman #3
We start off with a slightly cool flashback that turns into a crossover with Action Comics, and actually SPOILS the damn storyline Action is currently running! Well not really, but now the rest of the storyline will lack drama since we know SUPERMAN STOPS THE BAD GUY! Well, we KNEW that would happen, but still. A little suspense, you know? And the WORDS. Look I know reading is good, but this is a COMIC. There’s supposed to be a little bit of words, pictures. Like half and half of each. But not this comic! Might as well make it a novel. But anyway, this is another “monster of the month” issue, this time with a weird ice monster attacking Superman and turning the city into ice. Superman goes apeshit when the ice creature ices his apartment, some chick, and the Daily Planet building, including Lois Lane. So Superman literally uses his heat vision to stop the monster and everything goes back to normal. Except this chick Heather is now possessed by an alien, and the alien now knows that Superman is Clark Kent. Then we fade out to a preview of that Ray limited series, which I guess is this month’s Batman: Noir. Fuck this comic too. I’ll give this series one more issue to straighten its shit out, otherwise it’ll be $3 saved for me each month. Like Batman: TDK, I only recommend this one if you’re in the market for some really expensive toilet paper.
The Flash #3
This one was another letdown after the first two issues were pretty good. The Flash starts us off by using his new speedy brain power to save an airplane from crashing after an EMP blew up at the end of Issue 2. Flash tries to help clean the city up after the EMP and save a few people as well. Meanwhile, a scientist tracking electric signals after the EMP detonation is captured by a strange group. Barry Allen and another forensic scientist Patty are selected to rescue a Dr. Guerrero, who has had both of his hands chopped off, something vaguely referred to in a flashback earlier in the issue. But the trio is caught by the villain Mob Rule, who is basically a giant group of people I guess, and Barry allows Guerrero and Patty to escape while he tries to speed through a metal door. His plan fails though, and Barry gets shot in the eye, and our issue ends. Not gonna lie, this was more confusing than anything, and didn’t really explain anything. I had no clue what was going on, and I was actually kind of happy to see it end early for that preview of “The Ray.” DC is 0 for 3 so far...
Teen Titans #3
Finally, a winner for DC this week! We kick things off where we were left hanging last month, with Kid Flash encountering and freeing Solstice from the N.O.W.H.E.R.E. lab, which is apparently located in the middle of Antarctica. Kid Flash finds this out the hard way when he loses traction on the ice, and suddenly he and Solstice are falling off a cliff! Luckily Solstice can fly, but barely, and the two crash and pass out. Meanwhile, Cassie (“DON’T call her Wonder Girl!”) dresses as a nurse (helloooooo nurse!) and begins evilly interrogating the multiplying guy from the last issue, that I honestly don’t remember. And that’s all we see of Cassie this issue. We’re then introduced to Bunker, a Mexican dude who is hopping a train so he can ENTER AMERICA ILLEGALLY THE BASTARD CALL THE AUTHORITIES THEY’RE TAKING OUR JERBS. Anyway, he sees the giant cocoon containing Skitter, and a friendly hobo. Long story short, the hobo is Red Robin in disguise, and Bunker reveals he ILLEGALLY SNUCK INTO AMERICA to meet Red Robin and form a team. The train suddenly stops and the two encounter some weird people being mind-controlled by some weird giant robot that erases Robin’s mind. The issue ends with a street appearing in front of Kid Flash back in Antarctica. I really enjoyed this one! It was a little too short but the art was great, specifically a scene at the beginning where Kid Flash does basically everything. Don’t use this one as toilet paper.
Aquaman #3
This one was good too! And it’s quickly becoming my second favorite of the DC New 52. We begin where we left off last time with Aquaman, Mera and a bunch of cops fighting the weird monsters from the Trench. They try to eat Aquaman but to no avail. Suddenly a light-up monster pops out of the water and summons the creatures to go “home.” Aquaman chats with the cops for a little bit (including more in-jokes, which is what I love about this series; it doesn’t take itself seriously). So Aquaman and Mera take a dead creature to the mysterious Dr. Shin, who taught a young Aquaman to use his powers, and really wants to know where Atlantis is located. He diagnoses that the creature is from somewhere deep in the ocean, the Trench. And Aquaman takes off, believing that the race of creatures is going extinct due to lack of food. He and Mera dive down and swim toward the Trench... and we end for another preview of the stupid Ray. THIS WAS AWESOME but it ended way too early. I’m sick of these cop-outs! I love this series and I want more! Don’t tell me these writers are just lazy and have to include these crappy previews because they don’t want to write and draw six more pages.
Time to get MARVELous...
Wolverine and the X-Men #2
Good grief, this SUCKED. What a piece of crap. I had absolutely ZERO idea what the hell was going on. The artwork sucks, the panels were all out of whack... it’s like all of this is some sort of weird experiment gone terribly, terribly wrong. And it’s almost as wordy as Superman. I didn’t read Schism, the storyline that broke up the X-Men, but I’m declaring myself to be on Team Cyclops because of how bad this series has been so far. Fuck the Wolverine team. I’ll give this one until Issue 5 to either pick up, start making sense or maybe get a better artist. Or a better panel designer. If nothing happens, I’m finished. Definitely the worst comic of this bunch.
Uncanny X-Men #2
Ah, this one was much better. Cyclops and team are all defending San Francisco from an evil telepath called Sinister, and his evil clone army. The clones want a ceasefire to talk to the X-Men, and we get some funny lines and personalized compliments between Emma Frost, Cyclops and Namor that I may or may not be stealing to use on a friend of mine. So we get a long, wordy backstory from Sinister discussing just WHY he wants to change the world; something involving a fun day at a park he had as a kid. I dunno, it was more wordier than Superman. So some chick assassinates Sinister, and the X-Men are finally free from his mind control. But then he reveals that EVERYTHING is Sinister, like it or not. Reminds me of the Clone Palpatine “his soul jumps from body to body” story from the Star Wars EU comic Dark Empire. And we end on that cliffhanger. Nothing really that great about this comic, but it explained a lot of stuff and actually made sense. And the artwork makes the story easy to follow too, so that makes it 100 times better than Wolverine’s series!
Amazing Spider-Man #674
This one deals with the fallout of Spider Island, and welp, second page and we get the line “Occupy Spider Island!” Yeah. Anyway, there are tons of troubled teens coming to New York to try and get Spider Powers, but obviously they can’t. A weird group is recruiting several of them, promising that they can learn to fly. Of course some fall out of the sky, making forensic scientist Carlie Cooper become suspicious. This same group has been performing robberies of high rise condos and apartments, and Spider-Man is caught at one of the scenes. After fighting off some of Mayor Jameson’s anti-Spider patrol robots, Spider-Man comes face to face with the police chief, who warns him never to come near a crime scene again, which I guess is going to bring back the “Spidey vs. the World” storyline we’re used to. Meanwhile, the Kingpin and the Hobgoblin chat about Spider-Man while a Horizon mole brings Kingpin plans of the Spider Sense jammers the Avengers installed around New York. So Peter Parker is sitting at a coffee shop wondering how he can access police files on these break-ins while at the SAME coffee shop, Carlie Cooper wonders how she can gain access to the crime scenes. Of course they see each other and decide to awkwardly team up. At the same time all of this is going on, the flying thieves go to a nightclub where a big “End of Spider Island” rave is going on, mainly thanks to Mary Jane Watson. The thieves enter a secret room and find the Vulture, asking them what they’ve stolen for him. And we’re out. MUCH better than Spider Island, and I like the new artist too. Not sure what exactly they’re setting up, but I guess we’ll find out. I am, however, kind of disappointed to see Carlie and Peter teaming up so soon after breaking up. But I guess that’s why I read comics and don’t write them. Oh well.
OVERALL, a very, very crappy last two weeks for comics. I can only recommend one of the books I read (Aquaman), three were decent (ASM, Uncanny, and Titans) and the rest were extremely shitty. You can see why it took so long to read all of these titles.
Coming next: Another week of small pick-ups, meaning more reviews from comics I snagged from previous weeks! More Spidey! Star Wars Crimson Empire! And possibly, a compulsive pick-up, the 100 page Fantastic Four #600!
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