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And now, please welcome the Tom Cruise Dancers and the Blog of Doom Baggy Pants Players for the Official 2015 Blog of Doom WELPie Awards Intro! (Set to the theme of a random episode of Superstars from 1995!)
Weeeeellll
glenniebun occasional poster,
hitmanclark occasional poster
jcdaredevil occasional poster,
jeditab occasional poster!
cwo_sheriff occasional poster,
jasonkrowe occasional poster
noiretblanc occasional poster,
jcdaredevil occasional poster
x_pac_heat occasional poster,
ponch330 occasional poster
thejawas occasional poster,
overcommitter occasional poster!
Are you ready? (Yeeeeeah are you ready?)
Are you ready to scroll?
Are you ready? (Hahahahahaha!)
Are you ready to scroll?
Synch up your keyboards, get ready for the ride,
It’s Blog of Doom time so baby, hold on tiiiiight!
[The camera fades into the parking lot across the street from the homeless shelter in downtown Austin, Texas where dozens of hobos are camped outside, having arrived too late to get a spot indoors for the night. Some are laying around looking like Deadpool, in the first official image from the Deadpool movie. Cars are filling the parking lot as well, with enthusiastic young people hitting the bars and clubs trying to get laid. The music from the intro continues being hummed softly into an unplugged microphone that is held by jeditab, who is looking very rough. He is wearing an old, ripped flannel shirt tucked inside of tighty whities, two tube socks, and a single Timberland boot. His hair is dirty and unkempt, having not been washed or cut in weeks. He slowly stops humming the music and begins doing "crowd cheers" into the microphone ala a child playing with sports toys.]
jeditab: And now, ladies and gentleman, please welcome the special guest host of the 2015 WELPie Awards... Levi Pettit, the President of the University of Oklahoma chapter of the Sigma Alpha Epsilon fraternity!
[jeditab continues his fake cheers into the unplugged mic as a homeless man appears next to him.]
No More Doomers
Original Lyrics by Levi Pettit and the guy who runs the Fake Dan Beebe Twitter account
Set to the tune of "If You're Happy And You Know It"
There are no more posters on the Blog of Doom
There are no more posters on the Blog of Doom
We're leaving for the Place 2 Be
Is there a corporate job for me?
There are no more posters on the Blog of Doom
[At this point, a group of African Americans chase after Mr. Pettit. Pettit runs into the safety of white police officers, who begin shooting at the African Americans. In a surprise twist, however, all are run over by Chris Ho, who is leaving the bars.]
glenniebun: What the hell was that? This WELPies sucks! This Fiesta sucks too.
jcdaredevil: Told you!
jeditab: Uhhhhh okay then. Kind of a weak parody song this year. But I guess that's what happens when you have no budget and can't hire Andy to make a parody song. Not everything can be funded as fast as as Super Troopers 2. But yes, welcome to the WELPies 2015! Just like the next Star Trek movie will return the franchise to its roots, this edition of the WELPies will either reunite the Blog or kill it once and for all. But we're hoping it makes more money than new movies released in theaters last week. Anyway, let's pan the crowd to see who all is here! First up, all he wants is a pack of cigarettes, it's Beanbag Chair Bill! And lookie there, all the way up in the cheap seats begging for that man's leftover food, it's Cecelia Graveside! And how could we forget about good ole' Cheesequake O'Lennox, who only needs you to spare a dollar so he can buy some booze?
Hobos: Fuck off, ya bum!
jeditab: Moving right along to our first award, the funniest poster of the year!
Funniest Poster of the Year
The Nominees:
- Nobody
- Nobody
- The Transformers franchise and its spinoffs
- Nobody
- Nobody
And the WELPie goes to...
.
.
.
Nobody!
[jeditab stands around waiting for someone to take the award, looking about as weird as the first image of Jesse Eisenberg as Lex Luthor.]
jeditab: Well since nobody wants this WELPie, let's go to the next one!
Best Blog Bromance
The Nominees:
- Nobodies (Nobody and Nobody)
- Jimmyz (Jimmy Kagetora, Jimmy Kanda, Jimmy Susumu, Mr. Kyu Kyu Naoki Tanizaki Toyonaka Dolphin, Ryo "Jimmy" Saito and Genki Horiguchi H.A.Gee.Mee!!)
- In Theaters This Week (Get Hard and Home)
- Next Week's Notable DVD Releases (The Imitation Game, Interstellar, and Wild)
- The New Trailers (Mission Impossible: Rogue Nation, Southpaw, and more)
And the WELPie goes to...
.
.
.
Nobodies!
[jeditab stands around waiting for someone to take the award, feeling just as awkward as the teddy bear company that sued Seth MacFarlane over Ted.]
jeditab: Guess I'll just have to award this WELPie to the skank in the too short skirt over here...
Random Skank: Like oh my God, I just like got an award for being like drunk!
jeditab: Uhh, yeah, you do that while I pretend to be disgusted with you even though I'm blatantly checking you out in front of your boyfriend who looks like he wants to kick my ass. What else do we have here. Hmm. If anybody else no-shows, I might have to make more changes to this show than Neil Blomkamp will be making to Alien 5. Let's move on to the next award, shall we?
Most Underappreciated Poster of the Year
The Nominees:
- Jason Krowe
- Jason Krowe
- Jason Krowe
- Jason Krowe
- The Russian suing 20th Century Fox
And the WELPie goes to...
.
.
.
Nobody!
jasonkrowe: OH WHAT THE HELL?!?
[The camera falls to the ground as it is revealed that jasonkrowe has been the man behind the camera the whole time.]
jasonkrowe: You piece of trash! I'm sick of your crap! We were supposed to collaborate like Kenneth Branagh and Martin Scorsese! Or hell, even the new horror studio created by Gene Simmons and WWE Films! First you encourage me to post a picture of Star Wars characters outside of the Vietnam Memorial, and encourage other posters to blast me and say it's unnecessary. Then you tell me I MUST show off my Wrestlemania TV stage, and when I do, you tell Andy and some other posters to make fun of me for it! Then you promise me my very own Fiesta spinoff column, not unlike the new LEGO Movie spinoff film. And FINALLY you promise me that if I film this worthless awards show for you, you'll FINALLY give me the WELPie that I deserve. And you reneged on your promise! Well guess what, buddy? I QUIT! Have fun trying to replace the most charismatic, hardest working poster not named Glenn!
[jeditab picks up the camera but is hit in the face with an egg. He points the camera at the culprits, a group of street thugs standing outside of a nearby church.]
Thugs: This party's over, Doomie. You, your blog and the return of this awards show are about as newsworthy as old TV shows such as The X-Files and Coach returning to the airwaves. Now get the heck out of here, we have some 4700 word treatments to write.
[A depressed jeditab walks away and drops the last WELPie for Most Insightful Poster aka Poster of the Year. It falls into a gutter, but is stuck. A time lapse shows the Texas and California droughts worsen, but since Texas is cooler, Californians move to the area. Native Austinites, being forced out of their city, go to war with the Californians. The United States enters into its second Civil War, and nuclear bombs destroy everything. Millions of years later, during a sandstorm not unlike the kind you see in ISIS captured Tatooine, an ape-like creature is digging through the sand in the desert when he finds something. He brushes sand off of the artifact to find the WELPie trophy that jeditab dropped all those years ago. Its recipient?]
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