So I went to another wrestling show last night, the Christmas 2013 taping of WWE Monday Night Raw. Here are the results, and I'll be adding some pictures later.
If you find this report anywhere other than Gerweck.net or rspwfa2.livejournal.com then someone has plagiarized me and I will hunt them down and chop their balls off or something. Or maybe sit here and do nothing. Yeah probably that last one.
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Attendance was roughly 60%. The entire lower bowl was full but much of the upper deck was tarped off.
Dark Match: Zack Ryder def. Tyson Kidd with the Ruff Ryder
Main Event:
- Josh Matthews and The Miz come out for commentary.
- Santa Claus kicks off the show. He had the Santa Mick Foley titantron but looked and sounded nothing like Foley. He's almost immediately interrupted by RybAxel, who call Santa fat and complain that they never got the gifts they wanted as kids. Miz comes to Santa's defense and challenges Axel to a match later.
- Alex Riley music plays and he comes out to the announce table from somewhere that was not the main stage.
- R-Truth and Xavier Woods def. Jinder Mahal and Drew MacIntyre after Truth hits a Lil' Jimmy on Drew. No Heath Slater.
- AJ Lee (with Tamina) def. Kaitlyn with the Black Widow. Only thing I notice is that AJ is wearing her trademark daisy dukes and her titantron video has a ridiculous number of shots of her in a bra.
- The Miz (with Santa) def. Curtis Axel (with Ryback). Finish came when Santa pulled out a stocking and hit a Mandible Claw on Ryback outside leading to Miz hitting the Skull Crushing Finale on Axel for the win. During the match the crew starts decorating the stage with Christmas trees and such for Raw. Miz sucks. Isn't he a heel now?
Raw:
- Michael Cole and JBL come out for commentary. No Lawler.
- Show opens with Triple H, Stephanie McMahon and Kane making their way to the ring in Santa hats. There is also a random guy with them wearing an elf hat. Crew members distribute Santa hats to everybody in the crowd. Triple H and Stephanie discuss Christmas and wish everybody a happy holidays when Randy Orton comes out. His Christmas present is that he has the night off. Segment ends with Kane setting off his ring pyro. Weird. I spent most of this segment trying to get a Santa hat but of course they JUST SO HAPPEN to run out just as I walk up to the arena staff. COWARDS.
- Jingle Belles Match: Total Divas divas def. Not Total Divas divas when Natalya forces Aksana to submit to a Sharpshooter. AJ Lee sat at the commentary table. The divas were dressed as Santas, elves, and reindeer. Participants were: Bellas, Natalya, Eva Marie, the Funkadactyls, Kaitlyn, Summer Rae, Aksana, Vickie Guerrero, Alicia Fox and Tamina. Summer Rae is briefly in the match and takes a bunch of terrible moves from a Bella. I yell at her to counter but she obviously cannot hear her future ex-husband. At one point the Total Divas link arms and knock everyone down by skipping around. Awful.
- Sin Cara def. Curtis Axel with a Swanton Bomb. Or Hunico def. Curtis Axel with a Swanton. Whichever one. New Sin Cara is much better than the old Sin Cara I booed at the Raw I went to in 2011.
- Wyatt Family def. Goldust, Cody Rhodes, and Daniel Bryan. Crowd was the hottest for this match, and Bryan got a huge reaction. Good, long tag match that went around 20 minutes. Wyatt pins Bryan after a Roll of the Dice/Test Drive/Generic Finisher #89561832 and then the family escapes to the rocking chair as the Rhodeses try to make the save. The Rhodeses and Bryan were AWESOME. I still think the Wyatts are meh.
- Renee Young hosts a Christmas Carol singing contest between Great Khali, Santino, Jinder Mahal, Drew MacIntyre, R-Truth and Xavier Woods. This was my piss break, so yeah, I can report on that if you'd like. The lines were long and the toilets were somewhat decently clean. Automatic flushers and sinks and soap dispensers. A good, clear flow means I was properly hydrated at the time. I try to get food but it appears they have sold out of food in my area? I come across the WWE Sign Guy near the concession stand and he seems pissed that he cannot get anything to eat. I wound up getting McDonalds later and felt like a big fat fuck. Why am I describing all of this? Meh.
- Fandango (with Summer Rae) def. Dolph Ziggler in a Present on a Pole match. The pole was decorated as a candy cane. The present was a shot at the Intercontinental Title on the December 30 Raw. Summer Raw rubbed on the pole as she left the ring and it was awesome. I spend the entire match taking pictures of her like the perverted creep that I am. I got a shot of her bending over to get into the ring but it came out blurry. DAMN YOU CAMERA PHONE.
- The Usos def. the Primetime Players. Before the match Titus goes over the PTP's Christmas wishes and Darren Young says he's in Houston, not Austin. Lots of boos and a "Houston Sucks" chant, and Darren knows he messed up. Usos get the pin on Young and all four do the Millions of Dollars dance post match. I want to say I was the first person to start the "Houston Sucks" chant (there was a "This is Austin" chant during the match and I yelled "Houston Sucks" as a dueling chant type thing) but it died out and then a regular Houston Sucks chant started so whoever did that will probably get the credit. Sigh.
- Good Santa (Mark Henry) def. Bad Santa (Damien Sandow) in the Battle for Christmas. Sandow came out to the old Xanta Klaus theme. A glorified hardcore match. Sandow tries several times to use a fire extinguisher but cannot set it off. Henry unwraps a toilet and gives Sandow a swirlie. Henry wins with the World Strongest Slam and unwraps jingle bells and Christmas cupcakes afterwards. He throws the cupcakes in Sandow's face. Entertaining crap that Andy Halleen would hate.
- Los Matadores (with Torito) def. the Real Americans (with Zeb Colter) when one of the Matadores pinned Swagger. Torito speared Cesaro on the outside at one point.
- Ryback def. Kofi Kingston with the Shellshock
- CM Punk, Big E Langston and John Cena cut a coked out 80's style promo on the Shield in the back. Meanwhile the Shield cut their own promo discussing how they dominated 2013 and will dominate in 2014 as well.
- #badnewsbarrett comes to ringside and he has good news for us. He has spent all day collecting money for charity dressed as a Salvation Army guy. However he also has bad news for us: he isn't affiliated with any charities so he will be keeping all of the money he raised.
- Promo for New Year's Raw featuring Big Show as the New Year's baby. He squirts milk from a bottle on a stagehand and is handed a giant pacifier. As entertaining as it sounds.
- CM Punk, John Cena and Big E Langston and The Shield wrestled to a No Contest when the referee threw the match out. Punk seemed upset with the crowd; as they did the usual dueling chants for Cena, he yelled "I know you hate Cena but if you don't stop booing him you won't get me or Big E." Referee finally throws the match out after losing control of the match. The faces hit their finishers and celebrate. At some point after the cameras stop rolling Cena is left alone in the ring and Randy Orton attacks him and says he's getting a rematch now.
Dark Main Event: John Cena def. Randy Orton by DQ when Orton hit Cena with the title belts. Cena hits the AA and Orton flees.
Cena then calls out a stagehand who is one of his road buddies and is celebrating his 50th birthday. Cena gets the crowd to sing Happy Birthday and the crowd goes home happy.
Total time of the event was around 4 hours. No backstage segments were shown other than what we saw from Shield and Cena/Big E/Punk. Maybe I'll edit in more snarky comments later too after I get some sleep.
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